15 Thoughts About Pooping in Public

I had a couple ideas for blogs today, a few of which were pretty complex. Alas, I'm sicker than a dog, and I don't have the gumption to be too complex right now. So, today I'm going to write about something we all have to face, no matter how many times we say we won't do it - taking a dump in a public bathroom.

I've never really been diametrically opposed to taking a shit in public, mostly because when nature calls, I answer. Period. I've had way too many close calls with crapping myself that I know better than to try and hold it for a later, more private encounter with the turd kind. Given that this evil can't be avoided in my life, here are some shit-uations I have found myself in that have made me question the usage of these community commodes. These are also just passing thoughts as I sit there waiting for the poo-poo train. 

1. PUBES ON THE SEAT

Yesterday, I was at an Arby's, and I had to poop. I knocked, opened up the door, approached the toilet and found four to five little curlicue pubic hairs right on the seat. You're kidding, right? You KNOW you look into the bowl before flushing, so you have to see that stuff before you leave the bathroom. BRUSH IT INTO THE TOILET! Alternatively, do some waxing, because the Ron Jeremy look died a while ago. 

2. ASSES

I understand the concept of taking a shit into a toilet. I have to sit on the seat. I could squat, but I don't bend that way, and I'd likely end up leaving a link draped over the side of the seat. Not cool. So, I sit. And before I sit, I think to myself, "How many asses have been on this seat?" And soon after, I think, "What was on those asses"? Buttcheeks are fairly clean, though. It's the space BETWEEN the buttcheeks that counts. So, those butt thoughts aren't out of horror and bewilderment, just curiosity. Buttcheeks themselves are no dirtier than tits, so stop whining about it. 

3. GRAFFITI 

I must admit, I've indulged in the act of writing something obscene on bathroom stall walls a few times. Then, I grew up. 

4. SEX

Having sex in a public restroom is one of the filthiest, most vile and repulsive things anyone can do. I put it right up there with getting a Dirty Sanchez. Just fucking awful. So naturally, I wonder how many filthy, unwashed trailer-trash morons have bumped uglies in the stall I'm in at the time. Then my mind wanders to...

5. BLUMPKINS

I just can't help it, folks. 

6. NEIGHBORS

Unless you're in a very decrepit and bankrupt establishment, chances are there will be two stalls in the bathroom, one right next to the other. One of them is likely a handicapped stall that you use anyway because you're an asshole and just... why not? While you're in your stall, crapping and playing some dumb game from the App Store (iPhone users, flush your phone with your feces, because pieces of shit go in the toilet) chances are good that some guy will drop trouser and take a seat in the stall next to you. This is uncomfortable to some, but to others it's a necessary evil of not pooping your pantaloons. Rarely, you get the guy who has no shame and grunts his way through his bowel movement. Even more rarely, you get the guy that goes "Ahhh..." after relieving himself. And even MORE rarely... you get the guy who uses the opportunity to do a little jerkin' in the john. These kinds of things occur more frequently in Columbus, Ohio, so remember that. 

7. PANTS ON THE GROUND

Whenever I drop my pants to sit down, I make sure NOTHING, including things attached to my pants, hits the floor. Not a chance. I had a nametag hit the bathroom floor at work once and I took it off and threw it away. On top of it being a bathroom floor, I knew our maintenance staff was lazy and stupid. If it's something valuable, like a phone or a watch, I sanitize the paint off of it. 

8. SMELL

My shit DOES stink. No roses there. So does everyone else's - even yours, Kanye. So does everybody's urine. Since a bathroom (or an alley) is where everyone pees and poops, naturally, it's going to smell to some degree. I've been in some bathrooms that smell like a floral garden (with a touch of feces) and I've been in some that smell like an unrefrigerated fish truck hitting a full sewage tanker. It makes no sense to me for a public restroom to ever have to smell so egregious, though. If your bathrooms smell like sewage, your store or place of business needs better maintenance staff. I once cleaned a bathroom where someone pinched a large growler in the corner of a stall, and it still smelled clean. Take note, Walmart. 

9. THE DOORS

Stalls with rickety latches, locks and handles always make me slightly averse to using them. The last thing I need is some guy walking in on me mid-loaf. My high school in Texas (big surprise here) never had a single stall door with a competent latch. At any moment, some imbecile could refuse to knock and swing the door open. It's a good way to get a kick in the teeth and shit in your pants. KNOCK FIRST. 

10. CONVERSATIONS

I once used a public restroom where some guy, sight unseen, started talking to me. "Hey, how ya doin'?" Shut the fuck up. I'm taking a dump, not restocking shelves. 

11. WORK

I always dreaded getting the evil eye from coworkers or management for being gone longer than five minutes socked away in the bathroom. Sure, sometimes I would use the bathroom as my filthy refuge away from the grind, but more often than not, I was taking a shit thanks to my random IBS. Imagine explaining that to your manager! And I have, several times. Either way, it's a rushed dump, and a rushed dump makes me irritable - like my bowels. It's also always a countdown - "Oh no, am I taking too long? Will they believe me if I tell them I had the trots?" It's frustrating. 

12. DOORS THAT HAVE TO BE PULLED

Really? I've seen some bathrooms that have more than enough space outside to have a push-door installed. I just washed my fucking hands! I'm not a total germophobe, but I am when it comes to touching a handle that's been touched by thousands of hands that have been in asscracks and on sweaty penises. No thanks. 

13. NO TOILET PAPER

This has happened to me twice: once at school, and once at a bar during some party I was dragged to. Sometimes, those big metal cylinders are deceiving. It looks like there's paper in there, but by the time you finish crapping and reach in, you discover it was just a few squares. A few empty, boneless, one-ply squares. I had to wait until the coast was clear, wriggle my pantsed-legs to the next stall, cheeks pinched, and grab some paper. What other option do you have, especially when there's shit tickets all around you? A sock? Please. 

14. PORTABLE TOILETS

I've been to many, many concerts and festivals. I've seen a portable toilet so full that you couldn't sit down without your cheeks touching human waste and cigarette butts. Crapping in a port-a-potty is kinda like taking a shit in an upright coffin. Factor in all the drunks pissing all over it, lack of flushing ability, used feminine products, vomit and other unspeakable fluids and solids, and you have a serious conundrum here, folks. A portable toilet is the ONLY toilet I've refused to use in my entire life. 

15. READING MATERIAL

Finally, I'm gonna wrap this up with something relatively less disgusting. I've found that I absolutely can NOT take a shit without some kind of reading material or entertainment. Laptop, phone, book, magazine, tablet (I want a tablet) whatever it is, I need it. It's almost like I CAN'T begin the movement of my bowels without this material. I know, reading material is common and obvious, but I absolutely NEED it. I've been called a techno-junkie because I can't pinch a loaf without my laptop or my phone. Fuck you! It's how I operate! 

IHYFTE. 

Repeat After Me: Climate Change is Real

Last week, Republican Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma, arguably the most vocal skeptic of climate change science in Congress, held a snowball on the Senate floor and delivered the following statement:

“In case we have forgotten, because we keep hearing that 2014 has been the warmest year on record, I ask the chair, you know what this is? It’s a snowball. And that’s just from outside here. So it’s very, very cold out.”

Ha! Good one Senator. Wait... is this guy for real? Well, he is a Republican... and here's another stunner: Fox News is in his corner. 

A few days later, it was revealed that February's average carbon dioxide level will be north of 400 parts per million. Then, the unthinkable happened: It was finally proven that CO2 emissions are directly linked to global warming. This, to anyone able to think rationally, should be no surprise given the slew of evidence that existed before this confirmation. 

So, who are you going to believe? Some halfwit Republican that blatantly ignores scientific facts, or the ones making the scientific facts? 

The news of the CO2 emissions brought to mind all of these people who continue to deny that we are playing a massive role in slowly turning this planet into a big bowl of grandma's famous five-alarm chili. The sea levels are rising. The polar caps are melting. Glaciers are sweating.  "But wait! It's cold outside, so go choke on your hoax, you leftie hippies!" 

What's left to deny, deniers? Why do you continue to cling to your cosmic rays, solar heat, methane and volcanic gases? Why are you still sucking from the cottage-cheese breast of "climactic variability"? Why do you continue to listen to these Republican morons and parrot their ideas and thoughts about climate change rather than the facts presented by scientists? WHY?

This isn't an issue of politics in the first place. This shouldn't be a boxing match between Democrats and Republicans. It should be the scientists and researchers holding snowballs on the Senate floor. It should be scientists and researchers passing laws and mandates regarding the atmosphere and our carbon footprint. That's nothing more than a pipe dream, but here's a more feasible idea: you take every politician in Washington, pile them into a large amphitheater and make them listen to a week-long lecture regarding climate change. Even Al Gore. Throw them all in there and make them take notes. Give them pop quizzes. Give them candy if they get questions right. Or, if you want to make them truly feel at home, give them money for being correct. Bring Fox News in there, maybe they could learn a thing or two while they're thinking of the spin-job they can do on the story. When the week is up, give them a final exam. Separate the Republicans from the Democrats, because we all know they'll be trying to look at the Democrat's tests. Post the test scores on the official White House website, just like old times. When the final bell sounds, send them back to Washington and see what happens. 

At least this way, when Republicans inevitably continue to deny climate change, they will be completely out of excuses. The laughter of the world will amplify, and I for one could only hope that to them, that laughter would sound like Sindel from Mortal Kombat shrieking in their ears.

You may notice that I seem to be railing against Republicans pretty hard here - and I'm far from finished with that - but let me put it to you this way: they laughed when the planet reached the treacherous milestone of an average of 400 parts per million of CO2 last April. They scoffed when it stayed the same last May. They belly laughed when it - you guessed it - stayed at that dubious benchmark last June. I wonder how they reacted when it was reported that we began this year over 400 parts per million? 

It just so happens that these politicians are the ones who create and enact laws, so in a way, the future of our well-being is in their hands. It's not like Republicans (OUR MAJORITY!) have ever suggested bills that spit in the face of human issues or anything! Send the scientists to the Senate floor with the snowballs, for the sake of humanity. 

Stay skeptical.

IHYFTE.